The human condition is very complex. I don't understand it. I do know that people are confused, and that all people lie to themselves. Conservatives, liberals, punks, racists, civil rights activists, gamers, potheads, frat-boys and sorority girls, musicians, romanticists, existentialists, nihilists, Christians, Muslims, agnostics, atheists, and even scientists make subjective judgements about very important issues, filtering the world around them to fit their worldview.
The reason I know this is subjective in itself, based off of my own experience and understanding of my world. I was raised in a conservative, Christian home, where I was taught that the Bible is infallible and the supreme authority describing the universe, that I ought to respect my elders because they are wiser and more knowledgeable than myself, but unlike most fundamentalist Christian parents, they encouraged me to think and engage with people with different perspectives. Perhaps that was a mistake on their part, because it has led to my eventual disillusionment from Christianity and started me on a journey into the dark depths of discovering truth for myself.
However, so far I have found it very hard to find a solid belief system outside of Christianity. The Bible has a lot of tantalizing warnings and startling predictions for those who doubt its truth, and combined with the lack of truly unbiased information supporting other worldviews, no worldview has contented me for very long.
Its a painful experience to feel like one is in the dark, surrounded by misinformation, ignorance, and no obvious truth. I am haunted by the Biblical scripture, "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." My biggest fear is that I am deluded. I had a bad trip on a certain drug one time, in which I had no memory of of who I was, I couldn't remember anything about my past, my name, or anything. I was the size of an insect and all I could see was grass towering over my head and dirt all around me. It was the worse moment of my life and ever since then, I have made it my point to not be duped, but to always be in the know. Of course this isn't possible, but it is a goal that I work tirelessly at. I am a very easily persuaded person, very effected by strong arguments of virtually any point of view. That sounds like a bad thing, but I like to think that as I learn more about the world, I will become more rational and not so easily persuaded one way or another. Maybe someday I'll be like normal people, confident in what I know, unafraid to tell someone they are wrong, but not yet. I'm sick of being proved wrong. But I'll have you know, that I want my error to be shown to me. I want people to criticize me. I would rather have the truth than be right, although it may take me a while to drop my pride.
The reason I'm starting this blog is to create a place for people to come who want truth. I want to share my journey with others, but in order for you to come with me, you have to be willing to drop everything you know, like me. I am not a Christian. I am not an atheist. I am not an agnostic. I am nothing. I am clueless. I guess I am a wave in the sea, but I'm hoping that eventually I will wash up onto the shore. I hope that you aren't turned off by my honesty. I'm not objective; I fuck up; I lie to myself, and the only way to overcome this problem is if I openly describe every single motive so that there can be no doubt in how I come to the conclusions I come to.
Thanks for reading this long post and please stay tuned as I try to discover the true meaning of life. Please leave comments. I really want to know what people think about this. It would be very comforting to know that there are other people out there that are going through what I'm going through, or if you have comments about how I can improve my writing style I would love to hear them. I want to write stuff people want to read.
The reason I know this is subjective in itself, based off of my own experience and understanding of my world. I was raised in a conservative, Christian home, where I was taught that the Bible is infallible and the supreme authority describing the universe, that I ought to respect my elders because they are wiser and more knowledgeable than myself, but unlike most fundamentalist Christian parents, they encouraged me to think and engage with people with different perspectives. Perhaps that was a mistake on their part, because it has led to my eventual disillusionment from Christianity and started me on a journey into the dark depths of discovering truth for myself.
However, so far I have found it very hard to find a solid belief system outside of Christianity. The Bible has a lot of tantalizing warnings and startling predictions for those who doubt its truth, and combined with the lack of truly unbiased information supporting other worldviews, no worldview has contented me for very long.
Its a painful experience to feel like one is in the dark, surrounded by misinformation, ignorance, and no obvious truth. I am haunted by the Biblical scripture, "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." My biggest fear is that I am deluded. I had a bad trip on a certain drug one time, in which I had no memory of of who I was, I couldn't remember anything about my past, my name, or anything. I was the size of an insect and all I could see was grass towering over my head and dirt all around me. It was the worse moment of my life and ever since then, I have made it my point to not be duped, but to always be in the know. Of course this isn't possible, but it is a goal that I work tirelessly at. I am a very easily persuaded person, very effected by strong arguments of virtually any point of view. That sounds like a bad thing, but I like to think that as I learn more about the world, I will become more rational and not so easily persuaded one way or another. Maybe someday I'll be like normal people, confident in what I know, unafraid to tell someone they are wrong, but not yet. I'm sick of being proved wrong. But I'll have you know, that I want my error to be shown to me. I want people to criticize me. I would rather have the truth than be right, although it may take me a while to drop my pride.
The reason I'm starting this blog is to create a place for people to come who want truth. I want to share my journey with others, but in order for you to come with me, you have to be willing to drop everything you know, like me. I am not a Christian. I am not an atheist. I am not an agnostic. I am nothing. I am clueless. I guess I am a wave in the sea, but I'm hoping that eventually I will wash up onto the shore. I hope that you aren't turned off by my honesty. I'm not objective; I fuck up; I lie to myself, and the only way to overcome this problem is if I openly describe every single motive so that there can be no doubt in how I come to the conclusions I come to.
Thanks for reading this long post and please stay tuned as I try to discover the true meaning of life. Please leave comments. I really want to know what people think about this. It would be very comforting to know that there are other people out there that are going through what I'm going through, or if you have comments about how I can improve my writing style I would love to hear them. I want to write stuff people want to read.
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